As I write, I am listening to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. A song I heard on the radio and had to buy. It seemed to evoke the emotions I felt for the love of my life. My almost 4 yr old son is singing the lyrics in the background because I am just replaying the same song over and over.
Just over a week ago, my life changed...in a big way. A woman I have loved more deeply than any other woman in the past was out with me in a night-club. During my more than three year relationship with her, I have gone from a friend to much more. Something that seemed meaningless...because, with way too much alcohol coursing through her veins, she started to make out with a man she met at a bar earlier that same night. I stood, frozen with shock. It was if my shoes were made of cement. A wave of absolute sadness and pain surged through my body as I watched her maul the perfect stranger in front of me. Moments later, I turned and bolted for the parking lot. This all took place about ten minutes before the bar closed and when she stumbled out of the bar in this man's arms...I tried to talk her into going home with either me or one of her girlfriends...who were on the sidelines. Instead, in her normal stubborn manner, she insisted on having this stranger give her a ride home.
Almost 4 years to the day before this event...another woman I loved had rolled over in bed and told me that she could no longer see me. As different as these two women could have been...they both told me from day-one that they didn't feel "chemistry" for me. They both thought I was a loving friend and loyal companion; however, they both seemed to constantly remind me that I was more of a convenience relationship. That some day they would move on. For some reason, I let that be enough. Knowing that one day, they would take the control I was not willing to take...and permanently end things.
So why would I allow my heart to even consider such a relationship? Why?? Because both women seemed to have helped me become more of whom I have wanted to become. Neither of them fawned over me, but both special moments of affection. I felt as if I was sharing and learning with them. Attentive to the end, I gave the best of what I had to both of these women. But it wasn't enough. Never was a boyfriend to either women, but I was more than friends for both. People have asked if I would consider getting back together with either of them. The answer is an emphatic, "NO!" If they would even consider it...they aren't the women I thought. So even if they would want it, I don't want to know.
This second rejection in a row...was harder on me. I actually thought "bad thoughts" about what I would do to myself. No...it wasn't over the loss of the woman in my life. It was more about the overt rejection of who I am. Not once...but twice...in a row. What is wrong with me? At work, at church, and with friends...I feel that everything is at a distance. I feel hollow, alone. I feel genuinely unattractive, inside and out. People tell me that I am a great guy and very sweet; however, they usually spend even more time telling me what is wrong with me. I don't even think they realize it.
I guess I should be like the other guys. Perhaps women really are just objects. Maybe it is all about a one-night stand and if a woman falls for a cheap and stupid line...she deserves the one-night roll. Yet, I just can't accept that crap. If I am fucked-up by treating women with respect and wanting more...maybe there is a woman out there that actually means it back.
Why does there have to be drama? What can't love just be easy? My heart wants more. I want to give myself so completely to a woman. I want someone worthy of my love. A woman who can accept and appreciate my love for what it really means. I am so sick of giving...to be rejected. I don't regret what I give...but I feel cheated. It isn't about what I get...it is about what I give; however, it is hard to feel worthy of such love when so many women find so many ways to tell me that I don't measure up. It makes me feel so broken...so out of touch. In time, I know that I will heal...but it does beg the question of what is wrong with me. My heart aches for women who could care less whether I was alive or dead. Not that they wish me any specific harm...but they just see me as convenient. What truly is the measure of love?? What I can give or how loveable I am? I feel like some pathetic asshole. All I want is a strong woman who can challenge me, love me, and allow me to love her. So many women seem to be so guarded...to the point where no one is good enough. No man is worthy...or is it just me? What really do I have to offer? Maybe I think I am a catch....but reality isn't what I think it is. How skewed is my view? I seek to be the best man I can be...and perhaps this is the pain that will cause my heart to change and make me the man I should be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment