The Impossible Situation

A friend of mine tells me that she feels sorry for men today...when she contemplates how hard it is for her adult son to find "love" today. Her son even spoke of how he wasn't open to love. He said something that reminded me of an episode of Two and a Half Men, 'Why would I need to marry if I have regular action and someone to clean my house?' The answer is quite simple...it just doesn't work that way.

So why is it that we struggle so hard to find love...or even better, why do some of us seem to settle? My friend continually tells me that what she is feeling and thinking doesn't have to do with me. It has to do with her. Over and over, she reminds me not to personalize her thoughts as being directed at me...but that they are simply an expression of who and what she is, at her core.

As she carefully and methodically unfurls her inner-most expressions, she is like a starving artist. For with her, it isn't about making money or being famous for her thoughts. It is about expressing something significant...something special. It is also about growth.

Consider an artist, playing the same music, using the same form in a scupture or theme in painting. Eventually, it isn't enough. They feel that they need to stretch those talents and learn a new and more powerful way to communicate. For through this communication, the artist is able to not not only see the art, but also to truly feel the raw emotions and power behind what inspired the art. By seeking to understand their own art, they are looking for others to understand them.

As I open my mind and soul to this friend, I find that I am starting a journey. It challenges me to define boundaries in our relationship, while seeking to understand more about how I can be more than I am.

A little over a week ago, I was able to put my feelings aside to focus on the purity of her expression. As I was falling for this woman, I verbalized my feelings, knowing that she loved another. Somehow, telling her that I knew I wasn't her "type", while knowing she couldn't reciprocate...freed me. As I sought to understand, I was actually feeling like she was understanding me. This freedom allowed me to open my mind to hear her without internalizing and personalizing what she said. Suddenly, it hit me. I had a glimpse of why she needed to be understood. As she had been telling me that what she needed to express wasn't about me, I finally understood why. She needed the freedom from her fears, anger, etc...by knowing that SHE was TRULY understood.

As we talked until the wee-hours of the next morning, a flood of emotions and curiosity ran through me. Her tongue like a painters brush as it tastefully created a masterpiece. Her emotions bubbling to the surface, a new found expression emerged. When it was on the table, she lamented that she hadn't been able to share and open-up like this in the past for fear that men (including me) would take it for more than her need to express. For men and women both have agendas. Some good intentions take a turn when people read too much into it. With many men, they think that the doors are being opened for intimacy. So she had to be cautious about hugging and giving a loving "friendship" kiss on the cheek. For as a beautiful woman, most men saw this emotional closeness as invitation to move the relationship forward into more. A statement of trust, she hugged me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek when I left. Something I was careful to keep in-context. Something I took as a sign of trust, between friends.

So now, my mind is racing with thoughts. Some of how I can help her express herself...and some about what this means for me. The realization that this type of friendship wouldn't effectively mesh as love from this point-forward...begs the question of how too be so close while keeping me from becoming a starving artist myself. How can I join her in her passion that fires her soul without consuming my own? For as I learn more and listen to her most intimate of thoughts, how can I, myself, move forward with other relationships and truly be there for her?

If you really truly love someone, your actions are completely "free". That is why no one can break love. It is something that doesn't "complete" you...as Tom Cruise said in the movie, Jerry McGuire, but defines you. Her love is allowing her to grow and define who she is in this world. Her quest, while noble, is really her alone. While I would like to share in it, I must go back to her original statement...It really isn't about me.

So looking forward, I feel that God has been directing me to write. Not to express love lost, but to learn more about myself. So this my first edition of what I expect to be many...is to serve a larger purpose. My friend will read this and have a glimpse into how she has affected me. It will also be how I can fill my heart with a new type of love. A love that allows my heart to grow...not for her...but for me.