As I write, I am listening to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. A song I heard on the radio and had to buy. It seemed to evoke the emotions I felt for the love of my life. My almost 4 yr old son is singing the lyrics in the background because I am just replaying the same song over and over.
Just over a week ago, my life changed...in a big way. A woman I have loved more deeply than any other woman in the past was out with me in a night-club. During my more than three year relationship with her, I have gone from a friend to much more. Something that seemed meaningless...because, with way too much alcohol coursing through her veins, she started to make out with a man she met at a bar earlier that same night. I stood, frozen with shock. It was if my shoes were made of cement. A wave of absolute sadness and pain surged through my body as I watched her maul the perfect stranger in front of me. Moments later, I turned and bolted for the parking lot. This all took place about ten minutes before the bar closed and when she stumbled out of the bar in this man's arms...I tried to talk her into going home with either me or one of her girlfriends...who were on the sidelines. Instead, in her normal stubborn manner, she insisted on having this stranger give her a ride home.
Almost 4 years to the day before this event...another woman I loved had rolled over in bed and told me that she could no longer see me. As different as these two women could have been...they both told me from day-one that they didn't feel "chemistry" for me. They both thought I was a loving friend and loyal companion; however, they both seemed to constantly remind me that I was more of a convenience relationship. That some day they would move on. For some reason, I let that be enough. Knowing that one day, they would take the control I was not willing to take...and permanently end things.
So why would I allow my heart to even consider such a relationship? Why?? Because both women seemed to have helped me become more of whom I have wanted to become. Neither of them fawned over me, but both special moments of affection. I felt as if I was sharing and learning with them. Attentive to the end, I gave the best of what I had to both of these women. But it wasn't enough. Never was a boyfriend to either women, but I was more than friends for both. People have asked if I would consider getting back together with either of them. The answer is an emphatic, "NO!" If they would even consider it...they aren't the women I thought. So even if they would want it, I don't want to know.
This second rejection in a row...was harder on me. I actually thought "bad thoughts" about what I would do to myself. No...it wasn't over the loss of the woman in my life. It was more about the overt rejection of who I am. Not once...but twice...in a row. What is wrong with me? At work, at church, and with friends...I feel that everything is at a distance. I feel hollow, alone. I feel genuinely unattractive, inside and out. People tell me that I am a great guy and very sweet; however, they usually spend even more time telling me what is wrong with me. I don't even think they realize it.
I guess I should be like the other guys. Perhaps women really are just objects. Maybe it is all about a one-night stand and if a woman falls for a cheap and stupid line...she deserves the one-night roll. Yet, I just can't accept that crap. If I am fucked-up by treating women with respect and wanting more...maybe there is a woman out there that actually means it back.
Why does there have to be drama? What can't love just be easy? My heart wants more. I want to give myself so completely to a woman. I want someone worthy of my love. A woman who can accept and appreciate my love for what it really means. I am so sick of giving...to be rejected. I don't regret what I give...but I feel cheated. It isn't about what I get...it is about what I give; however, it is hard to feel worthy of such love when so many women find so many ways to tell me that I don't measure up. It makes me feel so broken...so out of touch. In time, I know that I will heal...but it does beg the question of what is wrong with me. My heart aches for women who could care less whether I was alive or dead. Not that they wish me any specific harm...but they just see me as convenient. What truly is the measure of love?? What I can give or how loveable I am? I feel like some pathetic asshole. All I want is a strong woman who can challenge me, love me, and allow me to love her. So many women seem to be so guarded...to the point where no one is good enough. No man is worthy...or is it just me? What really do I have to offer? Maybe I think I am a catch....but reality isn't what I think it is. How skewed is my view? I seek to be the best man I can be...and perhaps this is the pain that will cause my heart to change and make me the man I should be.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Impossible Situation
A friend of mine tells me that she feels sorry for men today...when she contemplates how hard it is for her adult son to find "love" today. Her son even spoke of how he wasn't open to love. He said something that reminded me of an episode of Two and a Half Men, 'Why would I need to marry if I have regular action and someone to clean my house?' The answer is quite simple...it just doesn't work that way.
So why is it that we struggle so hard to find love...or even better, why do some of us seem to settle? My friend continually tells me that what she is feeling and thinking doesn't have to do with me. It has to do with her. Over and over, she reminds me not to personalize her thoughts as being directed at me...but that they are simply an expression of who and what she is, at her core.
As she carefully and methodically unfurls her inner-most expressions, she is like a starving artist. For with her, it isn't about making money or being famous for her thoughts. It is about expressing something significant...something special. It is also about growth.
Consider an artist, playing the same music, using the same form in a scupture or theme in painting. Eventually, it isn't enough. They feel that they need to stretch those talents and learn a new and more powerful way to communicate. For through this communication, the artist is able to not not only see the art, but also to truly feel the raw emotions and power behind what inspired the art. By seeking to understand their own art, they are looking for others to understand them.
As I open my mind and soul to this friend, I find that I am starting a journey. It challenges me to define boundaries in our relationship, while seeking to understand more about how I can be more than I am.
A little over a week ago, I was able to put my feelings aside to focus on the purity of her expression. As I was falling for this woman, I verbalized my feelings, knowing that she loved another. Somehow, telling her that I knew I wasn't her "type", while knowing she couldn't reciprocate...freed me. As I sought to understand, I was actually feeling like she was understanding me. This freedom allowed me to open my mind to hear her without internalizing and personalizing what she said. Suddenly, it hit me. I had a glimpse of why she needed to be understood. As she had been telling me that what she needed to express wasn't about me, I finally understood why. She needed the freedom from her fears, anger, etc...by knowing that SHE was TRULY understood.
As we talked until the wee-hours of the next morning, a flood of emotions and curiosity ran through me. Her tongue like a painters brush as it tastefully created a masterpiece. Her emotions bubbling to the surface, a new found expression emerged. When it was on the table, she lamented that she hadn't been able to share and open-up like this in the past for fear that men (including me) would take it for more than her need to express. For men and women both have agendas. Some good intentions take a turn when people read too much into it. With many men, they think that the doors are being opened for intimacy. So she had to be cautious about hugging and giving a loving "friendship" kiss on the cheek. For as a beautiful woman, most men saw this emotional closeness as invitation to move the relationship forward into more. A statement of trust, she hugged me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek when I left. Something I was careful to keep in-context. Something I took as a sign of trust, between friends.
So now, my mind is racing with thoughts. Some of how I can help her express herself...and some about what this means for me. The realization that this type of friendship wouldn't effectively mesh as love from this point-forward...begs the question of how too be so close while keeping me from becoming a starving artist myself. How can I join her in her passion that fires her soul without consuming my own? For as I learn more and listen to her most intimate of thoughts, how can I, myself, move forward with other relationships and truly be there for her?
If you really truly love someone, your actions are completely "free". That is why no one can break love. It is something that doesn't "complete" you...as Tom Cruise said in the movie, Jerry McGuire, but defines you. Her love is allowing her to grow and define who she is in this world. Her quest, while noble, is really her alone. While I would like to share in it, I must go back to her original statement...It really isn't about me.
So looking forward, I feel that God has been directing me to write. Not to express love lost, but to learn more about myself. So this my first edition of what I expect to be many...is to serve a larger purpose. My friend will read this and have a glimpse into how she has affected me. It will also be how I can fill my heart with a new type of love. A love that allows my heart to grow...not for her...but for me.
So why is it that we struggle so hard to find love...or even better, why do some of us seem to settle? My friend continually tells me that what she is feeling and thinking doesn't have to do with me. It has to do with her. Over and over, she reminds me not to personalize her thoughts as being directed at me...but that they are simply an expression of who and what she is, at her core.
As she carefully and methodically unfurls her inner-most expressions, she is like a starving artist. For with her, it isn't about making money or being famous for her thoughts. It is about expressing something significant...something special. It is also about growth.
Consider an artist, playing the same music, using the same form in a scupture or theme in painting. Eventually, it isn't enough. They feel that they need to stretch those talents and learn a new and more powerful way to communicate. For through this communication, the artist is able to not not only see the art, but also to truly feel the raw emotions and power behind what inspired the art. By seeking to understand their own art, they are looking for others to understand them.
As I open my mind and soul to this friend, I find that I am starting a journey. It challenges me to define boundaries in our relationship, while seeking to understand more about how I can be more than I am.
A little over a week ago, I was able to put my feelings aside to focus on the purity of her expression. As I was falling for this woman, I verbalized my feelings, knowing that she loved another. Somehow, telling her that I knew I wasn't her "type", while knowing she couldn't reciprocate...freed me. As I sought to understand, I was actually feeling like she was understanding me. This freedom allowed me to open my mind to hear her without internalizing and personalizing what she said. Suddenly, it hit me. I had a glimpse of why she needed to be understood. As she had been telling me that what she needed to express wasn't about me, I finally understood why. She needed the freedom from her fears, anger, etc...by knowing that SHE was TRULY understood.
As we talked until the wee-hours of the next morning, a flood of emotions and curiosity ran through me. Her tongue like a painters brush as it tastefully created a masterpiece. Her emotions bubbling to the surface, a new found expression emerged. When it was on the table, she lamented that she hadn't been able to share and open-up like this in the past for fear that men (including me) would take it for more than her need to express. For men and women both have agendas. Some good intentions take a turn when people read too much into it. With many men, they think that the doors are being opened for intimacy. So she had to be cautious about hugging and giving a loving "friendship" kiss on the cheek. For as a beautiful woman, most men saw this emotional closeness as invitation to move the relationship forward into more. A statement of trust, she hugged me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek when I left. Something I was careful to keep in-context. Something I took as a sign of trust, between friends.
So now, my mind is racing with thoughts. Some of how I can help her express herself...and some about what this means for me. The realization that this type of friendship wouldn't effectively mesh as love from this point-forward...begs the question of how too be so close while keeping me from becoming a starving artist myself. How can I join her in her passion that fires her soul without consuming my own? For as I learn more and listen to her most intimate of thoughts, how can I, myself, move forward with other relationships and truly be there for her?
If you really truly love someone, your actions are completely "free". That is why no one can break love. It is something that doesn't "complete" you...as Tom Cruise said in the movie, Jerry McGuire, but defines you. Her love is allowing her to grow and define who she is in this world. Her quest, while noble, is really her alone. While I would like to share in it, I must go back to her original statement...It really isn't about me.
So looking forward, I feel that God has been directing me to write. Not to express love lost, but to learn more about myself. So this my first edition of what I expect to be many...is to serve a larger purpose. My friend will read this and have a glimpse into how she has affected me. It will also be how I can fill my heart with a new type of love. A love that allows my heart to grow...not for her...but for me.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Beginning
As I sit and ponder how I would introduce myself, I can't help but make a statement of what has drawn me to blog. The answer is simple...I feel the need to share the story of my life.
Perhaps I will relate to someone out there and touch their life in some profound way. Perhaps I will make you laugh. Either way, I hope this allows me a new way to express myself.
It all started on January 27, 1974. I was born into a military household in Las Vegas, Nevada...even though both of my parents were natives of Minneapolis, Minnesota. I was the second born to a an Air Force man and his new wife. It was a matter of 2 years before my family moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana where my father entered a Missouri-Synod Lutheran Seminary. Yes, I am a PK (Pastor's Kid). It is at this moment that many of you may already be formulating your first impression of me.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
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